Well, this months’ blog is rather late, and I have some very bad reasons for that.
The last few weeks have been rather dark for me. There’s been employment upheaval, monumental embarrassment and a return to taking tablets to stave off the desire to kill myself. The worst of it all is knowing that is that it really wasn’t as bad as I think it was, but that’s the problem with depression, you don’t see things the way normal people see them.
To cover off the first two bits, I’ve been subject to a TUPE change of employment, but the job I was expecting isn’t the job that’s landed. A last minute decision of one of the other employees who could have moved across was that he wasn’t going to. So I’ve ended up picking up his work – which I hate. I know it’s got to be done and I don’t really have a choice, but it’s not what I was hoping for. And as for the embarrassment – national TV looking like a complete and utter moron. Enough said.
So, I’m taking new tablets, well new to me, have no idea how long they’ve been available. Unlike any antidepressants that I’ve taken in the past these ones I take at night, and they are designed to help me sleep. They don’t actually make me tired, but when I do sleep, I actually sleep.
Now that might not sound like much to most people, but for years now I’ve been managing on three hours of sleep a night. If I was lucky. Some nights I can’t even count the sleep in full hours. Then I’d get the occasional weekend when I’d actually sleep the clock round. It’s not sustainable, and it affects so much else. Now I’m getting five to six hours a night. It’s bliss!
Unlike sleeping tablets, which I have taken in the past to try to overcome the lack of sleep, these tablets don’t leave me feeling drowsy all day the next day. I sleep well then I still wake up between half five and six in the morning and get up, leave the house around half six and go to work without problems. That’s a bonus too.
My moods are lightening, which is what antidepressants are meant to do. But I do wonder if that’s the antidepressants or the increased sleep. Does it really matter? Mostly not, but there’s a little bit of me that wishes that I didn’t need tablets, antidepressants or sleeping. There is a deep, ingrained part of me that views taking tablets as a sign of weakness. I know this is a stupid restriction, but it’s there. The fact is, everyone needs help at some time in their life, and for now, I need help in the form of some little orange pills.
There is, of course, an upside of this. For a couple of weeks, I hadn’t been able to write a thing. Not a story, not a blog, nor even a comic review. But I’m getting back on track. Did three comic reviews yesterday, I’m back at work on my two WIPs, and I’ve started on a horror short for an anthology. All I have to do now is write three more comic reviews, finish editing the last anthology and get it up for sale.
So, recovery is in progress and normal service will resume soon – hopefully.