I Am Not Depressed

I have posted several blogs about depression but that’s not actually why I’m writing this, I’m simply using it as a tool to explain how I know I’m not depressed.

Depression feels like I want to explode, fragment into a million pieces that will be scattered by the wind. It’s an internal pressure building up inside that needs to burst out. Part of what I do to move through depression is to remember that the day job has a large element of things that only I can do and that the team needs me to go to work and do those things. That external pull helps me pull myself together.

What I’m feeling now is so much weight on me that I think I might just end up imploding into so many fragments that I’d just be dust. This is an external pressure building from the outside and being pressing down on me. And now thinking that I’m the only one in the team that can do certain things and they need me to go to work and do those these actually leaves me feeling sick. Hell, just typing the thought has knotted my innards.

You see I’m not depressed, I’m stressed. So stressed that I actually broke into tears in the office on Friday. I really don’t know how I am going to cope on Monday.

The point of writing this is really to admit to myself that I have a mental health issue, just not the one I usually have to admit to. The real difference, unfortunately, is that I know what works for me when dealing with depression, but this isn’t depression and I am at a loss to know what to do for the best.

Any advice would be welcome, feel free to comment. Ta.

 

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1 Comment

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One response to “I Am Not Depressed

  1. It sounds like anxiety (that can be linked to depression) both of which, separate and combined, are vulnerable to stress. There are various mechanisms for coping with these, all take time and focus. The first thing I think is to realise that you are more useful when well than when buckling under pressure.
    First, I would suggest rest – I know they depend on you in work as does the family but you’ll recover quicker with rest. Secondly start to focus on the little things around you, sights, sounds, smells. Really focus to the exclusion of all thought (this takes some practice but can be done). You could start with cleaning your teeth, a simple task that you probably do while thinking of the next thing/several things you have to do. Take the 2 minutes while cleaning your teeth and consciously think about what you are doing while you are doing it telling yourself what you are doing while you are doing it. Believe me it works, you are occupying your mental and physical self with one task giving no room for anything else. There are similar techniques for getting yourself off to sleep if you are having trouble in that direction.
    When you go for a walk look at where you are not where you are going. Take note of the daffodils in bloom, the new grass coming – yes, they are there I saw them myself today.
    In other words, try to stay in the moment as much as you can. Your mind will drift and jump around at first – acknowledge the naughty monkey bouncing from neurone to neurone then move your focus to the now.
    If in two weeks you have worked really hard at this and are no better then it may be the medical route to give some relief while you try these techniques again.
    I have seen this work with many people and it’s lovely to see the light go on when it starts to work. Once you bring the demon under your control, then is the time to work on keeping him behind bars but that’s for another day.
    Most important of all this is to take good care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

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