I have posted several blogs about depression but that’s not actually why I’m writing this, I’m simply using it as a tool to explain how I know I’m not depressed.
Depression feels like I want to explode, fragment into a million pieces that will be scattered by the wind. It’s an internal pressure building up inside that needs to burst out. Part of what I do to move through depression is to remember that the day job has a large element of things that only I can do and that the team needs me to go to work and do those things. That external pull helps me pull myself together.
What I’m feeling now is so much weight on me that I think I might just end up imploding into so many fragments that I’d just be dust. This is an external pressure building from the outside and being pressing down on me. And now thinking that I’m the only one in the team that can do certain things and they need me to go to work and do those these actually leaves me feeling sick. Hell, just typing the thought has knotted my innards.
You see I’m not depressed, I’m stressed. So stressed that I actually broke into tears in the office on Friday. I really don’t know how I am going to cope on Monday.
The point of writing this is really to admit to myself that I have a mental health issue, just not the one I usually have to admit to. The real difference, unfortunately, is that I know what works for me when dealing with depression, but this isn’t depression and I am at a loss to know what to do for the best.
Any advice would be welcome, feel free to comment. Ta.