Clearly the last few days have not been great for me. I am moving through the darkest part of the mood, I’m more ‘functional’ again.

One thing I didn’t mention in my posts is that I stank. Yes, really stank. The heat that kept me away at night made me sweat through the day.  Yesterday my blouse was damp to wringing wet.  I was sweaty and I stank. I also hadn’t released my hair from the plait I put in on Tuesday night to sleep in. I almost always do this to control my hair overnight. Because my hair was dirty, the plait just stayed in. Yes, I disgust even myself.

So tonight, I had a bath. It was lovely to soak in hot water, and listen to an Audible book. It was actually quite difficult to get the plait out of my hair, and there was a knot that I had to actually bite out to remove it. So now, I’m clean, washed hair, and feeling better. Am also in clean PJs which is so comfortable.

Realised today that I’ve been neglecting a lot of other things too.  Like I’ve not been taking my usual supplements. Self-neglect and depression are mutually reinforcing. I look a mess, feel a mess and I know that I did that to myself, and that that’s stupid, ergo I’m stupid. Since intelligence is something I prize and take pride in, being stupid depresses me. Vicious circle.

Fact is, I’m no genius, but I am smart, I try to be smarter than my illness, but sometimes it creeps up on me.  Now I have to be smart enough to push it back away.

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“What was that?” Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.

“Brill,” Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.

“Again?” Belgarath demanded with exasperation. “What was he doing this time?”

“Trying to fly, last time I saw him.” Silk smirked.

The old man looked puzzled.

“He wasn’t doing it very well,” Silk added.

Belgarath shrugged. “Maybe it’ll come to him in time.”

“He doesn’t really have all that much time.” Silk glanced out over the edge.

From far below – terribly far below – there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. “Does bouncing count?” Silk asked.

The above is a quote from David Eddings, from the book Magicians Gambit.  I picked this to share because I love this book, but also because it kind of feels like what I’m doing.

Yesterday really was a terrible day, the day before was worse.  I’m less depressed today, but not back to normal by any means.  While hubby was working (he would have been there for me otherwise) a mate of mine helped talk me back from the dive last night, and I’ll always be grateful for that. 

A condition like depression isn’t easy, it doesn’t comes and goes, and often for no reason.  I don’t know what kicked this downturn off.  I haven’t been sleeping, but I think everyone is suffering with that in the current heat.

All I want to say is that I am on the upsweep, bottom of maybe, but getting there.

Thank God for friends.

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Bad Day

I grew up in a council estate. Went to a comprehensive school. Been working since I was 12, started on market stalls, cleaned lots of places, worked in an old peoples home. I studied hard to get A-levels then had to give up my first degree and moved away from my hometown. Moved up to office work. I met a man, got married, started studying for the degree I now have while working full time, began the course 8 months pregnant with my son, ended it six months pregnant with my daughter. I’ve written many novels, two published by an independent publisher, one self-published. I’ve got contracts for one more standalone, and a series of five steampunk novels.

You know what this makes me? 

An arsehole.

You know what I see in the mirror?

A failure.

I dislike the book “Wuthering Heights” because there is not a single likeable character, they all deserve the misery they got.  They are all nicer people than I am.

Real bad day, sorry.

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Mood has dropped significantly. Hate self, hate current WIP. Don’t want to talk about it. Going to go crawl into a corner.

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Been putting things back into the newly decorated hall and landing today (pictures when all done).  With the redecorating, rationalising the mess and number of books was called for.  Doing this partly because we’ve removed one shelf.  Which is nothing in the scheme of things in this house, but it gave me a spur to tidy. Though Maris Wots-her-name can get lost with the 30 books per house rule – 30 books per shelf maybe.

This is just one pile of books to go

Some of the things on the landing bookcase were easy to remove. I had masses of notebooks and printed versions of books that have now gone to print.  So, all of that was removed. As I prefer spiral bound notebooks, I separated the paper pages from the card covers and wire bindings.  That meant we ended up going to the tip with four carrier bags of paper, one of card and one of wire. 

Then I got harder on myself and my book collection.  Books that I’ve read and never intend to read again were put out – unless I’ve formed some emotional connection to them.  The first five DCI Banks, first three Discworlds (and all Discworld hardbacks), those stay even if I won’t read them again.  I kept the Leigh Nichols I bought as a teenager because I love Dean Koontz.

Of those unread, if the blurb didn’t thrill me, they went out too.  In total over 120 books are to go out.  No entirely sure what I’m going to do with them.  Some may be resold on Amazon, others will go to a charity shop.  Can’t take them to the library as all local libraries have cease to accept donations.

It’s hard parting with books, but now I have free shelves to fill.  Good for my mood both ways.

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After two days of frantic activity, had a very quiet day today.  Kind of had to.  I drank a bottle and a half of wine last night.  Why?  I have no idea. It was there and I drank it.

Despite also having water to drink before going to bed and during the night, I was hungover as hell this morning. Got up at 11 with a massive headache. I wasn’t sick, but did retch a few times. I tried to function, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Instead I went back to bed.

I got up about 3, to find that our son was on the phone to my hubby, it being Father’s Day and all.  I did talk to him too, thankfully all’s well with him and his significant other.

Since then I have been going through a load of the papers and notebooks that were on the various bookcases. Picking what to keep and what to throw away. Most of it got thrown out. I had three plastic shopping bags worth of paper, one of cardboard, and one of the wire that binds my preferred style of notebooks. That’s also six magazine racks emptied.  Which is a good start on the getting rid of stuff. 

When moving around all the bookcase from the hall and landing, I decided it was time to trim the collection.  It’s easy to get rid of the my notes, the next step is to rationalise my book collection.  That’s going to be harder.  I love books, and getting rid of any will hurt.  But it’s got to be done, and to quote one book I don’t have “Tomorrow is another day” and this time, I won’t wake up with a hangover.

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After the glossing yesterday, today was all about painting the walls.  It was a workout and a half. Hubby did the ceiling and the roller on the walls, and I did the majority of the cutting in, including the really horrible bit behind the banisters.

It was really odd the way the colour went on. It looked lavender even though it’s gray. We found the light up on the landing really unhelpful to. It being an energy saving bulb, its light is quite orange and to dim when painting.

There’s only so much two people can do in the same small space, so I left hubby to finish off the painting, and headed to B&Q for a few bits and pieces.

We got lampshades and lightbulbs, picture frames and spray paint (and more plants for the garden). The spray paint is for a mirror frame.  We have a big mirror in a gold frame, but gold won’t go with the over all theme of the hall now, so we’re going to spray it chrome before putting it up – but that’s for another day.

With the light bulbs I was told to get bright ones, and I did, I got those lovely big round opaque kind. 1050 lumens. The only problem?  I picked up the screw fixing by mistake, we need the bayonet type.  So, back to B&Q I trudged.  I picked the bayonet version in exactly the same model, brought them home, tried to put one in and hey presto – the opening of the new shades is about 2mm too small to let the bulb in.  Did not occur to me to check it in the shop. So tomorrow I’ll be back to B&Q to swap them again.  But for tonight it’s feet up and try to recover.

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Everything hurts

The day started well, laying in bed, Pearly the cat comes in, makes the weirdest sound, then starts hawking up. My hubby rushed up, Pearly ran down, but he just couldn’t get the front door open before the cat threw up in the hallway.  So that was a great start to the day.

From there, we got up and started decorating. I lost count of the number of times I was up and down the stairs taking books off the case and putting them out the way. Then the skirting, banisters, door frames, radiators and even the walls in places all got sugar-soaped clean. Then there was the sanding, filling, and taking down of the bookcase that was screwed to the wall. 

Then the glossing started.  I started with the bookcase, hubby started with the skirting and door frames upstairs.  The bookcase didn’t take as look as I was expecting, even though it’s a full floor to ceiling bookcase.  Glossing with a roller made it much easier.

Then I went to see where hubby was with the upstairs, and since he was still working his way around the landing, I started on the banisters – wow was that tricky.  We ended up meeting the brushes in the hallway. The phrase “urgh hair!” was repeated rather more often that you’d want, but still, it all got done and it looks much better and fresher for what we’ve got done.  Oddly, while I got gloss everything, I somehow managed not to get any in my hair – despite the amount of my hair that seemed to get into the gloss. 😊

Ceilings and walls tomorrow.

Now, we’ve stopped though – everything hurts. Arms, shoulders, back, legs, can feel it all. And more to finish tomorrow, so now’s for relaxing.

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Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to write about. Full days of solid thinking in work can drain the brain.

Good news is that I did get the database developed as much as I needed to (see yesterday’s blog). Now I have a four-day weekend ahead of me. It’s another week when we were just to go away in the van, but of course that got cancelled.

Instead, the decorating is up. The hall, stairs and landing desperately need redecorating, it’s been nagging for a while, but we’ve not had the time.  Now we have. We’ve got all we need to do everything, so tomorrow, it’s up and move the last bookcase, clean the woodwork with sugarsoap and do the glossing.  That should keep us out of trouble for the day.

Which means that the day has been working and preparation, and it’s all worked. Am actually looking forward to getting something done tomorrow.

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“Depend upon it, sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.”

― Samuel Johnson

No one is getting hanged, but one of the guys I work with is leaving the business at the end of next week.  This guy is very good, very clever, and he’s key to one of the development projects that I’m working on. 

While I was off, nothing was done – at least nothing that was actually useful. So since I’ve been back I’ve been trying to get this thing sorted.  It’s complex and takes a lot of concentration, and I am getting there.  But I’m worried that with my contact leaving, that I won’t get the information I need after next week.   What was worse, is that his manager added requirements to the list today.  I’m not sure that I can get all that done by the end of next week.

Here’s the problem with that – the reality is that I probably can get the development done in that time.  But knowing that I have no leeway piles the pressure on.  There was a great temptation to stay ‘at work’ this evening and get more done, but I know that that is the road to workaholic hell.

I’ve actually had to have a talk to myself to turn the laptop (works) off and stop.  What I couldn’t do was stop work and relax, I had to have something else to that needed doing – so I did a load of ironing.  Which is no bad thing, chores do need to get done and that was starting to nag from the corner.

This indicates to me that I’m finally getting into stride with stress management, and that has to be good, it should help me avoid falling back into a depression.  I’ll worry about the database tomorrow.

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