It’s been from the sublime to the ridiculous today. Yesterday I was so shattered I couldn’t do anything, today I am shattered because I haven’t stopped. So far today I have:
Transplanted plants from the front garden to pots (13 pots, I hope the transfers are luckier than that number.
Done 2 9kg loads of washing.
Hung all the washing on the line.
Painted the front fence – it’s 6 foot tall it was thirsty for paint (yes lots of gardening being done at the moment.
Cooked a fish pie (which I’m looking forward to eating because it’s in the oven right now and smells wonderful!)
Been a taxi service for my daughter.
Written 6 marketing paragraphs.
Posted a blog and stuck that on social media.
And now I’m writing this blog.
Apparently, the post-vaccine exhaustion has left me, though I have every intention of doing little more today. After dinner I am going to have a long soak in a hot bath and then put my feet up with a book for the evening. There doesn’t appear to be much on TV, so I may binge some more of “Shakespeare and Hathaway”.
Clearly the last few days have not been great for me. I am moving through the darkest part of the mood, I’m more ‘functional’ again.
One thing I didn’t mention in my posts is that I stank. Yes, really stank. The heat that kept me away at night made me sweat through the day. Yesterday my blouse was damp to wringing wet. I was sweaty and I stank. I also hadn’t released my hair from the plait I put in on Tuesday night to sleep in. I almost always do this to control my hair overnight. Because my hair was dirty, the plait just stayed in. Yes, I disgust even myself.
So tonight, I had a bath. It was lovely to soak in hot water, and listen to an Audible book. It was actually quite difficult to get the plait out of my hair, and there was a knot that I had to actually bite out to remove it. So now, I’m clean, washed hair, and feeling better. Am also in clean PJs which is so comfortable.
Realised today that I’ve been neglecting a lot of other things too. Like I’ve not been taking my usual supplements. Self-neglect and depression are mutually reinforcing. I look a mess, feel a mess and I know that I did that to myself, and that that’s stupid, ergo I’m stupid. Since intelligence is something I prize and take pride in, being stupid depresses me. Vicious circle.
Fact is, I’m no genius, but I am smart, I try to be smarter than my illness, but sometimes it creeps up on me. Now I have to be smart enough to push it back away.
Today did not go as planned. It wasn’t a great plan so it doesn’t exactly matter, but that failure makes me feel worthless and undisciplined.
I intended to get up early, do a fitness video, have a bath, then get on with editing and usual pottering about.
I got up about 11:30, didn’t exercise, did get properly dressed though, then some editing and pottering. I even did the self-care of soak in the bath, but only after my husband went on night shift and then I came straight to bed. I intended to be laptop free tonight, but stuff spilled over and I had to write a blog. This and taking the multivitamins have become the structure of my day.
Today I’ve been trying to get some stuff sorted on a forum, with limited success. Failed though to add a document to a post. Couldn’t figure out why, so messaged the site developer. He did something and told me to try again. I did and it all went the same as the first time. Then I noticed and realised I am an idiot. I was trying to attach a .docx document – but the site doesn’t accept that format. After changing it to .rtf I attached the document no problem. In other words, had I actually read what was on the screen I would have got it right first time.
Of course, the what I’ve said is something that I have to stop. I am not an idiot, I am not worthless nor am I undisciplined. I must stop saying negative things about myself. In truth I wasn’t paying enough attention, wasn’t in the moment. That’s something I am going to have to work on paying attention rather than paying just about enough attention. Mindfulness apps I will investigate.
Got out today, only a walk to a local store for essentials – including a bottle of wine. Trust me, after the best of three weeks in the house, it felt like an essential. Mind you, I’ve got a glass of it at my side, turns out it’s not as nice as I remember. But there again, I did dry January, got through most of February with only one evening of drinking, and haven’t drunk anything since my melt down a few days before I started this blog, when I drank two bottles straight – and much to my surprise and my husband’s annoyance, didn’t have a hangover.
So today, I have:
Taken my multivitamins, Brewer’s Yeast and iron
Taken a walk
Done a chore – vacuuming this time
Done about 16 pages of editing
Written 1800 words of my novel
Taken a bath
Listened to The Hairy Bikers Roadtrip CD
And worried about my family
This last isn’t symptomatic of anything other than I have family I care about, these are worrying time and I feel helpless. Not depressed helpless, just I know I am helpless, there really isn’t anything I can do to help them, much as I want to.
Anyway tonight I’m going to sit in my bed, write a little steampunk while listening to mostly 80s rock, and sip on a glass of wine. Not glamorous, but it gets me through. So for anyone out there, just keep on rocking.