Nightmare

Of late I have to say that my mental health is definitely on the up, but I had a really bad night the other night. I haven’t mentioned it before because I wasn’t ready to, but now I can.

You see I wasn’t sleeping well. I was laying in bed and getting hot and cold. I wasn’t sweating, but I would grow hot and then my temperature would suddenly drop and I’d start shivering. Added to that there was no getting comfortable.

I started having really dark thoughts about death and being buried. And being forgotten after death, and worse of being forgotten before death. 

I realised at the time that these were dark thoughts and not healthy. I did try to change my thoughts, but the darkness kept coming back. So I didn’t sleep at all well that night. What’s worse is that those thoughts keep coming back.

These have been some of the darkest thoughts I’ve been plagued with since the suicidal phase. I don’t like it, I have no idea what triggered it and I want to avoid it. I’m doing my best not to let my mind go there, but it’s harder than it sounds.  Still it’s a journey back to health it will take time and I though I struggled to change the thinking that night, I know that by recognising the problem, that’s the first step to overcoming it. Yes I struggled that time, but next time I’ll have more success, then more the time after and so on until I break the downward spiral. 

Get there step by step. On nightmare at a time.

Planted

What a day.

Got up about 08:30 and since it was sunny I put yesterdays load of washing on the line. Then I came in and started the next load of washing. Then I remembered to take the tablets. Actually, on that front, don’t think I’ve mentioned, I’ve added a spoonful of linseeds to my morning routine, it helps with digestion, been doing that a week now, it’s working.

Anyway, while the washing was on, I worked more on my manuscript, then, sent it off to my structural editor.  A month from now I should know if it’s any good.

Next load of washing on, I put a load of bedding plants in pots in the back garden. Carnations, Sweet Williams and Geraniums, but mostly Pansies, large and small flowers.  What I couldn’t get into the pots in the back, I put in the front flower bed I dug the other day.

After that, a trip to Tesco for the weekly shop and a total floor show of a stupid woman thinking that just because she had some kind of letter (I was too far away to hear details) she could go around the shop with her mother when Tesco policy is one person at a time.  The Tesco girl did really well, then letter-woman storms off demanding that the woman make sure everyone else does the same. I looked down the line – no other couples.

Then home, shopping away, cooking dinner (homemade pizza and garlic bread). More dealing with the washing, including having to finish a lot of it off in tumble dryer – it’s sunny outside, but so cold the washing just isn’t drying properly. 

Also today heard of the death of the first person I know personally dying of coronavirus.

Physically a good day, but worries continue.