Not today

Some days writing this blog is dead easy. In over 80 days, I’ve only missed blogging on 3 of them. I’ve proud of that. It ensures that I write something everyday. All so often the words just flow.

But not today.

Today I’m struggling to write anything.  Not just the blog, but my WIP too, I’m just not seeing it to write it.  Things aren’t pulling together or sitting right. This does happen now and then, everyone has slow days and this is one for me. I don’t like being unproductive, but putting too much pressure on myself is a route to breakdown, so I’m not going to beat myself up about not writing much tonight.

I am tired, my eyes ache, I had a hell of a day in work, so the brain got stretched, I’ve done a little bit sewing, a little exercise. So, it’s not like I’ve slacked off.

So that’s it from me today. Not much, but that’s today.  I’m okay with that. Speak to you again tomorrow.

Inattention

Today did not go as planned. It wasn’t a great plan so it doesn’t exactly matter, but that failure makes me feel worthless and undisciplined.

I intended to get up early, do a fitness video, have a bath, then get on with editing and usual pottering about.

I got up about 11:30, didn’t exercise, did get properly dressed though, then some editing and pottering.  I even did the self-care of soak in the bath, but only after my husband went on night shift and then I came straight to bed. I intended to be laptop free tonight, but stuff spilled over and I had to write a blog. This and taking the multivitamins have become the structure of my day.

Today I’ve been trying to get some stuff sorted on a forum, with limited success.  Failed though to add a document to a post.  Couldn’t figure out why, so messaged the site developer.  He did something and told me to try again. I did and it all went the same as the first time. Then I noticed and realised I am an idiot.  I was trying to attach a .docx document – but the site doesn’t accept that format.  After changing it to .rtf I attached the document no problem.  In other words, had I actually read what was on the screen I would have got it right first time.

Of course, the what I’ve said is something that I have to stop. I am not an idiot, I am not worthless nor am I undisciplined. I must stop saying negative things about myself. In truth I wasn’t paying enough attention, wasn’t in the moment. That’s something I am going to have to work on paying attention rather than paying just about enough attention. Mindfulness apps I will investigate.

Moving

After yesterday’s bad day, I decided I have to do something more to help myself.

I’ve mentioned before that I know exercise is good for depression, and I have been for a few walks, but that’s difficult now with a lot of places being closed. I’ve got loads of exercise DVDs and A Wii fit but no motivation.

Half an hour of exercise a day doesn’t sound like much, but when in depression, it can be too much. Depression makes just getting out of bed a mountain climb, to exercise is an Everest ascent the sufferer just can’t attempt.

I got up not wanting to move, but I know have to do it, so I made myself.  I picked a DVD I know is gentle, that advises on ways to modify so you keep up even if you get winded.

While this did get me a bit hotter and breathing harder, I was surprised how well I kept up.  A lot of my coordination has deserted me, but the I haven’t done any form of exercise class in three years.  The sad part of the ‘used to’ of this is that in my late twenties and early thirties I qualified as an exercise leader, got into it because of my interest in nutrition, as the two usually go hand in hand.

I can feel I’ve worked muscles that haven’t been worked in a while, it’s not a comfortable feeling, but it’s one that I remember and it’s one that, if I can keep up, should lead to better fitness and health. 

Depression makes doing anything a herculean task. Sometimes you have to take the duvet day, but sometimes you have to force yourself to get up and just do something. Try and do what you can.

Straightening out

Exercise is beneficial in treating depression, yet even knowing that, I’m struggling to encourage my fat backside off the couch. Not sure why, I enjoy exercise when I get to it, I just seem to have some invisible barrier between thinking about exercise and actually exercising.

The bigger problem than the width of my backside, is the state of my brain. The more I don’t exercise, the more my head tells me I’m lazy and worthless. It’s a downward spiral that feeds straight into the dragon of my depression.

Since I am trying to slay that dragon, I needed to get up today and do something. Exercise wasn’t happening so I needed something else.

Modern advise is that the average women needs 2,000 calories daily. Rubbish. Aside from anything else, there’s no such thing as the average woman. The thing is that figure was calculated many decades ago, back when there were a lot less time / energy saving devices. The ‘average’ woman had to work harder at the housework.

Back when we first got together, my husband and I couldn’t afford a new washing machine, so we got an old twin tub that would otherwise be scrapped.  It took hours and effort to wash clothes then.

My point is doing chores use energy. So instead of exercising, I dealt with the basket full of clothes that’s been nagging me to iron them for a fortnight.

The pictures 10 yrs old, but only one I could find of ironing.

After taking three hours to work to the bottom of the pile, my legs and back certainly feel like I did a workout. More importantly, it feels good to have achieved something, to have ticked something off the to do list.

This probably sounds like nothing to most, but when in a depressed state, it’s hard to do anything, so doing something is good.

Isolation

Given the current status of the Coronavirus, we’re all now being advised not to go out unnecessarily. This is a good thing and advise we should all follow.  It’s not going to be easy for many, and could hit some vulnerable people very hard.

(photo by my husband using a drone)

Today, before this above advise was given out, I went out. We drove to Carreg Cennen Castle, an isolated place on the edge of the Brecon Beacons, and went for a wonder up the steep slope up to and then around the ruins. There were only a couple of people around, but that’s the good thing about Wales, you don’t have to go far to get away from people. I sat for a while up in the castle, and it was odd, through one window was green rolling hills, through the other, blue sky. Couldn’t get a picture because the sun was directly in the camera lens. Then a bus load of teenagers turned up to ruin the tranquillity. Still, it’s a lovely place, if you get the place to go, it’s well worth the effort, and it was an effort. Getting up the slope was tough, but only because I’ve done next to no exercise in years, it was one of the things “I used to do”. Now I have to do better.

It is going to be difficult to do any more walks with the recent government advise, but I will need to find a way to get fitter in the home. I still have various work out DVDs and access to a Wii, so no excuse really.

Whatever you’re doing, stay safe.