Pass

Since going self-employed I’ve been generally very happy and upbeat.  The last couple of days have changed that. 

Before I was published, I was being told how I wasn’t good enough to get published.  Now I’m published, I keep hearing how I’m not good enough to sell.  That I’m not “in the genre”.

Usually when I hear that sort of thing, I try to stick two fingers up and move on. But I’m struggling to do that at the moment. 

I’m feeling like a failure. I know I’m not a best seller, I don’t go easy on my readers, so I don’t get great sales, but I know that, I don’t need some trite, arrogant prima donna rubbing it in.  Added to this is the fact that I haven’t heard from the agent I submitted to six weeks ago, so that feels like a rejection. I’ve just finished a novel that I don’t know what to do with – or indeed if it’s worth doing anything with. My editing commissions have dried up, and I failed an assignment on the correspondence course I’m doing. So I’m in a funk. 

Oh and just to add insult to injury – I’m back to being anaemic and the iron tablets are upsetting my digestion.

Little wonder I’m feeling down really.  Of course, this too will pass.

Too Fast

The days go too fast!

Only now am I seeing that I didn’t blog last night, that’s because I’ve been busy and tired.  I am finally making some headway with my WIP.  I know the story order and I am now moving through it start to finish. By being more logical about what can and can’t happen, what characters would or wouldn’t know at these various points is clearing the path so I can see where I’m going. Also by doing this, I’ve realised that there is a whole new thread that I need to weave in, and it’s a good one.

I think that one of the reasons I’m struggling so much with actually writing this book is because as it’s the series finale it draws together a lot of the threads from the earlier books. I’m conscious that it’s possible that a reader won’t have read those books, which means I have to do a fair amount of explanation. The problem is balancing that with the readers who have read the previous books, who don’t want to be bored.

Luckily, I have two characters who alternated books, so they can ask if something comes up that they don’t know about. I also have a third character who starts the book without his memory, and gradually regains it through the journey of the book, so I have ways to show the past, I just need to avoid data-dumps. They’re boring to read and as bad to write.

So that’s where you’ll find me at the moment, sitting and writing, and it’s great to be back in the swing of things again.

Oh, and on the natural health side. I’ve restarted the multivitamins, minerals and high-level iron, as a result my skin is clearing up again and I’m feeling generally better.

Down, Down

Deeper and down.

That’s where I am today. Really wanted every post to be a more positive one, but today has been a struggle. I’ve cried at the drop of a hat. Am barely functional.

I’ve ended up watching TV, mostly “Picard”, because I’m a bit of a trekker. Then “Rhod Gilbert and The Cat That Looked Like Nicholas Lyndhurst”.  I cried through both and felt like a total plonker for doing so.

I picked the Rhod Gilbert because I enjoy his shows, find him very funny. Thought that it would lift my mood, but I cried at several points, barely raised a laugh at all.  Except the bit at the end when he talked about his radio show in Wales. I’ve occasionally listened to that too.

If you’re at all squeamish, don’t read the rest of this, just know that I’m going to do my best to be more positive tomorrow.

The results of the multivitamins etc that I’ve started taking are leading to bit of loo lottery. Doubtless some  will complain that this is too graphic, but it’s an experience that I’ve had, and if anyone takes this route (with medical advice, of course) it’s worth being prepared because the first time this happened to me, I wasn’t.

Bathroom visits get interesting from an artistic point of view (if your tastes run to Damien Hurst or Gunther Von Hagens’ plasticised anatomy tableaus).  I take multivitamins in the form of an effervescent drink. The drink is bright yellow – so is the urine it produces.  I still haven’t stopped bleeding, so the drops, rivers, of red are no surprise. Then there’s the iron tablets, they turn faeces black. As unpleasant as this is, it’s worth knowing – otherwise it might give a scare when it’s least needed.