Bounce

“What was that?” Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.

“Brill,” Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.

“Again?” Belgarath demanded with exasperation. “What was he doing this time?”

“Trying to fly, last time I saw him.” Silk smirked.

The old man looked puzzled.

“He wasn’t doing it very well,” Silk added.

Belgarath shrugged. “Maybe it’ll come to him in time.”

“He doesn’t really have all that much time.” Silk glanced out over the edge.

From far below – terribly far below – there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. “Does bouncing count?” Silk asked.

The above is a quote from David Eddings, from the book Magicians Gambit.  I picked this to share because I love this book, but also because it kind of feels like what I’m doing.

Yesterday really was a terrible day, the day before was worse.  I’m less depressed today, but not back to normal by any means.  While hubby was working (he would have been there for me otherwise) a mate of mine helped talk me back from the dive last night, and I’ll always be grateful for that. 

A condition like depression isn’t easy, it doesn’t comes and goes, and often for no reason.  I don’t know what kicked this downturn off.  I haven’t been sleeping, but I think everyone is suffering with that in the current heat.

All I want to say is that I am on the upsweep, bottom of maybe, but getting there.

Thank God for friends.

Bad Day

I grew up in a council estate. Went to a comprehensive school. Been working since I was 12, started on market stalls, cleaned lots of places, worked in an old peoples home. I studied hard to get A-levels then had to give up my first degree and moved away from my hometown. Moved up to office work. I met a man, got married, started studying for the degree I now have while working full time, began the course 8 months pregnant with my son, ended it six months pregnant with my daughter. I’ve written many novels, two published by an independent publisher, one self-published. I’ve got contracts for one more standalone, and a series of five steampunk novels.

You know what this makes me? 

An arsehole.

You know what I see in the mirror?

A failure.

I dislike the book “Wuthering Heights” because there is not a single likeable character, they all deserve the misery they got.  They are all nicer people than I am.

Real bad day, sorry.

Lower

Mood has dropped significantly. Hate self, hate current WIP. Don’t want to talk about it. Going to go crawl into a corner.

Rationalisation

Been putting things back into the newly decorated hall and landing today (pictures when all done).  With the redecorating, rationalising the mess and number of books was called for.  Doing this partly because we’ve removed one shelf.  Which is nothing in the scheme of things in this house, but it gave me a spur to tidy. Though Maris Wots-her-name can get lost with the 30 books per house rule – 30 books per shelf maybe.

This is just one pile of books to go

Some of the things on the landing bookcase were easy to remove. I had masses of notebooks and printed versions of books that have now gone to print.  So, all of that was removed. As I prefer spiral bound notebooks, I separated the paper pages from the card covers and wire bindings.  That meant we ended up going to the tip with four carrier bags of paper, one of card and one of wire. 

Then I got harder on myself and my book collection.  Books that I’ve read and never intend to read again were put out – unless I’ve formed some emotional connection to them.  The first five DCI Banks, first three Discworlds (and all Discworld hardbacks), those stay even if I won’t read them again.  I kept the Leigh Nichols I bought as a teenager because I love Dean Koontz.

Of those unread, if the blurb didn’t thrill me, they went out too.  In total over 120 books are to go out.  No entirely sure what I’m going to do with them.  Some may be resold on Amazon, others will go to a charity shop.  Can’t take them to the library as all local libraries have cease to accept donations.

It’s hard parting with books, but now I have free shelves to fill.  Good for my mood both ways.

Hangover

After two days of frantic activity, had a very quiet day today.  Kind of had to.  I drank a bottle and a half of wine last night.  Why?  I have no idea. It was there and I drank it.

Despite also having water to drink before going to bed and during the night, I was hungover as hell this morning. Got up at 11 with a massive headache. I wasn’t sick, but did retch a few times. I tried to function, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Instead I went back to bed.

I got up about 3, to find that our son was on the phone to my hubby, it being Father’s Day and all.  I did talk to him too, thankfully all’s well with him and his significant other.

Since then I have been going through a load of the papers and notebooks that were on the various bookcases. Picking what to keep and what to throw away. Most of it got thrown out. I had three plastic shopping bags worth of paper, one of cardboard, and one of the wire that binds my preferred style of notebooks. That’s also six magazine racks emptied.  Which is a good start on the getting rid of stuff. 

When moving around all the bookcase from the hall and landing, I decided it was time to trim the collection.  It’s easy to get rid of the my notes, the next step is to rationalise my book collection.  That’s going to be harder.  I love books, and getting rid of any will hurt.  But it’s got to be done, and to quote one book I don’t have “Tomorrow is another day” and this time, I won’t wake up with a hangover.

Precipice

“Depend upon it, sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.”

― Samuel Johnson

No one is getting hanged, but one of the guys I work with is leaving the business at the end of next week.  This guy is very good, very clever, and he’s key to one of the development projects that I’m working on. 

While I was off, nothing was done – at least nothing that was actually useful. So since I’ve been back I’ve been trying to get this thing sorted.  It’s complex and takes a lot of concentration, and I am getting there.  But I’m worried that with my contact leaving, that I won’t get the information I need after next week.   What was worse, is that his manager added requirements to the list today.  I’m not sure that I can get all that done by the end of next week.

Here’s the problem with that – the reality is that I probably can get the development done in that time.  But knowing that I have no leeway piles the pressure on.  There was a great temptation to stay ‘at work’ this evening and get more done, but I know that that is the road to workaholic hell.

I’ve actually had to have a talk to myself to turn the laptop (works) off and stop.  What I couldn’t do was stop work and relax, I had to have something else to that needed doing – so I did a load of ironing.  Which is no bad thing, chores do need to get done and that was starting to nag from the corner.

This indicates to me that I’m finally getting into stride with stress management, and that has to be good, it should help me avoid falling back into a depression.  I’ll worry about the database tomorrow.

Nightmare

Of late I have to say that my mental health is definitely on the up, but I had a really bad night the other night. I haven’t mentioned it before because I wasn’t ready to, but now I can.

You see I wasn’t sleeping well. I was laying in bed and getting hot and cold. I wasn’t sweating, but I would grow hot and then my temperature would suddenly drop and I’d start shivering. Added to that there was no getting comfortable.

I started having really dark thoughts about death and being buried. And being forgotten after death, and worse of being forgotten before death. 

I realised at the time that these were dark thoughts and not healthy. I did try to change my thoughts, but the darkness kept coming back. So I didn’t sleep at all well that night. What’s worse is that those thoughts keep coming back.

These have been some of the darkest thoughts I’ve been plagued with since the suicidal phase. I don’t like it, I have no idea what triggered it and I want to avoid it. I’m doing my best not to let my mind go there, but it’s harder than it sounds.  Still it’s a journey back to health it will take time and I though I struggled to change the thinking that night, I know that by recognising the problem, that’s the first step to overcoming it. Yes I struggled that time, but next time I’ll have more success, then more the time after and so on until I break the downward spiral. 

Get there step by step. On nightmare at a time.

Naps

After a really bad night sleep wise, and a week where I’ve barely left the house, my hubby got me up and out for a walk today.  It was lovely we went down to the nearby estuary for a wander. The sun was out, the tide was out and so were we.  There were a few others out and about too, noticed it was only the groups of all men who gave no quarter for social distancing, but that’s not a surprise.

Anyway, we walked. It was nice.

I came back and tried to do a bit of writing.  Did a bit, but bugger all, and I could barely keep my eyes open. Eventually, around half 2, I had to give in, and go to the sofa for a nap. 

The thing about day-time naps is that they don’t do me any good.  I know load of people who are advocates of the power nap, but they don’t’ do it for me. All naps do for me is mean that I wake up with a fuzzy head and can’t sleep the following night.  But I had to give in, and was pretty much out like a light and gone for an hour. 

Since then I’ve had a fuzzy head.

Hubby is on a night shift, so I’ve decamped to the bedroom, where there is no possibility of being distracted by the TV (I won’t have one in the bedroom), and I’m trying to write.  It’s working too, because in the hour and a half I’ve been up here, I’ve written nearly two thousand words.  Hope to get at least a few more hundred done before I settle down for the night.

So that’s me for the day.  Hope you had a successful day too.

Full On

It’s been a full on day. 

A solid 8 hours of the day job, that rather frazzled the brain.  Thankfully the commute home now consists of standing up and three steps.

So since finishing work, I’ve changed beds, sorted the shopping and done two loads, four to finish tomorrow. I’ve cleaned out and rearranged the fridge, and cooked a big dinner. And I’ve managed to squeeze some reading in – a chapter of “The Invisible Man”.

The best news of the day has been that I got a call from the psychiatrists office today.  They confirmed that I am on the list to be seen, but they can’t do the meetings until lockdown is lifted because it’s a face to face thing. But after so long, I am glad to finally have confirmation that I’m on the list.  Again there was a pushing for taking medication, but my experience with medication has not been good, it really did zombify me, but didn’t actually help. 

Still, it’s a step forward, and that’s good.

Now I’m shattered.

So, a good day, successful and productive.  But an early night tonight as I want to get some writing done tomorrow.

Arrangements

With the curtains up in the conservatory, and my back playing up, I’ve been working back down in the conservatory.  It’s been much better, I get the support of a decent desk and deskchair, and with the curtains taking the edge of the direct sunlight, it’s workable.  What this means is that I don’t finish work with either a headache from too much sun or a backache from sitting on a sofabed all day. 

I knew it would take a while to get things set up as I wanted.

The console table I had trouble with is now behind the sofa, holding my personal laptop (I’m working off the works laptop in the day). This now means that I have a working area that I can walk away from at the end of the day and then I’ve got somewhere safer for my personal laptop, instead of slipping it under the sofa.

It also means that the boxes of my books that have been behind the sofa have now been tidied up and put under the consol.  This means they are away from the radiator – not that warmth has been an issue. And that we have easier access to the CD rack and the bottom of the bookcase that end of the room. 

Still have to place my laptop over the scratch though!

But it’s working out, I’m getting comfortable, and that matters.