Of late I have to say that my mental health is definitely on the up, but I had a really bad night the other night. I haven’t mentioned it before because I wasn’t ready to, but now I can.
You see I wasn’t sleeping well. I was laying in bed and getting hot and cold. I wasn’t sweating, but I would grow hot and then my temperature would suddenly drop and I’d start shivering. Added to that there was no getting comfortable.
I started having really dark thoughts about death and being buried. And being forgotten after death, and worse of being forgotten before death.
I realised at the time that these were dark thoughts and not healthy. I did try to change my thoughts, but the darkness kept coming back. So I didn’t sleep at all well that night. What’s worse is that those thoughts keep coming back.
These have been some of the darkest thoughts I’ve been plagued with since the suicidal phase. I don’t like it, I have no idea what triggered it and I want to avoid it. I’m doing my best not to let my mind go there, but it’s harder than it sounds. Still it’s a journey back to health it will take time and I though I struggled to change the thinking that night, I know that by recognising the problem, that’s the first step to overcoming it. Yes I struggled that time, but next time I’ll have more success, then more the time after and so on until I break the downward spiral.
Get there step by step. On nightmare at a time.