Cleaner

Clearly the last few days have not been great for me. I am moving through the darkest part of the mood, I’m more ‘functional’ again.

One thing I didn’t mention in my posts is that I stank. Yes, really stank. The heat that kept me away at night made me sweat through the day.  Yesterday my blouse was damp to wringing wet.  I was sweaty and I stank. I also hadn’t released my hair from the plait I put in on Tuesday night to sleep in. I almost always do this to control my hair overnight. Because my hair was dirty, the plait just stayed in. Yes, I disgust even myself.

So tonight, I had a bath. It was lovely to soak in hot water, and listen to an Audible book. It was actually quite difficult to get the plait out of my hair, and there was a knot that I had to actually bite out to remove it. So now, I’m clean, washed hair, and feeling better. Am also in clean PJs which is so comfortable.

Realised today that I’ve been neglecting a lot of other things too.  Like I’ve not been taking my usual supplements. Self-neglect and depression are mutually reinforcing. I look a mess, feel a mess and I know that I did that to myself, and that that’s stupid, ergo I’m stupid. Since intelligence is something I prize and take pride in, being stupid depresses me. Vicious circle.

Fact is, I’m no genius, but I am smart, I try to be smarter than my illness, but sometimes it creeps up on me.  Now I have to be smart enough to push it back away.